I've been sober for 413 days.
I always considered myself as more of a lush than an alcoholic, but 2019 proved to me otherwise. I, like so many other alcoholics and addicts found myself at the strange crossroads of wishing I was dead but being too chicken to do that to myself, and desperately wanting to find a new way and have a new life.
Enter my cry for help, 12 Steps, drastic life changes, and all of the subsequent miracles. In the past year I've gotten divorced, changed careers, lost my Mother, became a vegan, found a stable and loving relationship, am surviving COVID- and I've stayed sober through it all.
Yet I still find myself seeking "more".
It occurred to me that as I'm navigating my way through this new life I oftentimes find myself bored. I mean, I've eliminated so many of the dramatic portions of my life and my day to day is relatively quiet. I bet a lot of people living in recovery just don't quite know what to do with the concept and the reality of peace. Why can't I be satisfied that my life isn't just full blast crazy?
Bear with me as I know this may not make much sense as I share this little nugget I discovered.
I listen to books in the car because I HATE the radio. I mostly choose mysteries and memoirs. Both because I like to see how they get to the "heart" of the story.
I saw the memoir of Steve O from Jackass and thought "I'll bite". I know he's in recovery, and I figured his journey would be at least a tad bit interesting.
I think I'm downplaying it when I say that I endured the parts leading up to the part where he gets sober. It was cringe worthy. But I plugged on knowing that many of our stories are as such. His relatively posh rehab is something most people don't have the opportunity to experience.
But when I got to the end, he said something that really hit a nerve. He said "It is a daily struggle to not mistake serenity for boredom." And all I could say was "Hmm".
So as I go about my day, I feel like I need to up the ante on my gratitude for a peace that can sometimes be confused with boredom. And, as if it is a new concept, I need to monitor that little voice that wants to stir something up just because it's quiet.
Maybe this will strike something with you or someone else. Because it sure did with me. All from some guy who made a living off of getting obliterated and doing stupid stuff for laughs.
Tiny miracles can come from the most unlikely places!
Welcome! Glad you found us. Community has been a huge part of my recovery and the chance to help someone else is key to me feeling useful. I get it. I am still a 'junkie' - always looking for that 'hit'. Today I find it in a number of ways that, while definitely mood altering, don't involve putting any chemicals in me to achieve the desired result. Often, I find myself in that elusive place of serenity and think I am just bored. I am looking for the hit, right? Where's the excitement? I know I always have that quiet place available to me anytime I choose to ride the breath. I have so many more choices as a byproduct of my serenity. Best of luck and thanks for posting.