Where did you grow up, and what shaped who you are today?
I grew up in the Los Angeles, CA, suburb of Sherman Oaks, in the San Fernando Valley, with my mom and big sister. My parents split when I was three. Dad had me most weekends on the other side of the hill in LA proper.
From a young age, I felt like I was living two separate lives. Weekdays were spent skateboarding and playing street hockey with friends after school on our cul-de-sac, while weekends consisted of late-night pizza and walks with Dad down grimy Hollywood Blvd, amongst the winos and gutter punks that littered the streets back then in mid-80s Hollywood.
My dad was down and out, always stoned, and could be happy and loving one moment, then rageful and verbally abusive the next. His moods mirrored my stark suburb/city upbringing. Being street smart, cultured, and socially aware still guides me in middle age.
What was your life like before you got sober?
The wheels came off at an early age. By 16, I was smoking weed daily and drinking most nights and weekends heavily. I quit my high school baseball and hockey teams and barely graduated. College was an afterthought. My only interest was partying, and I didn’t draw a sober breath for close to 10 years.
When did you first realize you had a problem, and what finally led you to seek help?
I knew from an early age that I was different from my fellows. They were weekend warriors, and I was battling a daily obsession, using and drinking whenever I could get my hands on it. It was fun at first, fun with problems, then finally just problems, as they say. After a couple of rehab stints and an almost 3-year period of sobriety, I relapsed and found myself jobless and alone in a dingy apartment, drinking upwards of 20 beers a day and blowing a gram or two of cocaine a night. Six weeks into that run, my body was shutting down, and my bank account was empty. I was out of options and hit my last bottom.
How did you get sober?
I jumped in headfirst to AA and started counting days. My life was meetings, fellowship, and more meetings. Went through a few sponsors and worked the steps. Made lifelong friends and really felt a strong sense of community, and that’s where the magic happened for me. It wasn’t a higher power, an inventory, or the amends; it was people. Helping others and hanging out with sober friends. Addiction kept me isolated; recovery brought the opposite.
What is your sobriety date, and have you had any relapses or setbacks along the way? If so, what did you learn from it?
My sobriety date is April 26, 2004. Not my first one, but I’m confident it’ll be my last. I was a big AA guy for many years and took cakes to celebrate sober anniversaries. These days, I mostly attend Refuge Recovery, a Buddhist-based meditation-heavy program where getting to the root and the ‘why’ of addiction is practiced and discussed. AA started feeling outdated and closed-minded to me, and I knew I needed a change. I’m a firm believer in finding a path of recovery tailored to your personal beliefs. Sobriety is not a one-size-fits-all journey.
Relapse is part of my story, as previously mentioned. I had moved away from LA, stayed sober, and when I moved back, I failed to get connected to any local groups and stopped going to meetings. Before I knew it, I was alone again and picked up. That second bottom I knew would be my last, launching me into permanent recovery. I view it as a lifesaver.
What does maintaining your recovery look like day-to-day now?
Along with Refuge, I’m also currently in therapy, as processing childhood trauma is key to my recovery and a healthy life in general.
What has surprised you most about recovery?
Getting sober in my 20s, I thought I’d be missing out on all the fun. Surprisingly, early on, all I had was fun! My social life exploded. I went to shows and clubs with sober friends and enjoyed them much more than when I used to go all lit up. I experienced music, people, and all other activities in life the way they were meant to be.
My first 90 days, though, were rough. I went from feeling invincible, riding that pink cloud, to feeling like my life was coming to an end. My emotions eventually evened out, and life became beautiful.
Who are the most important people in your recovery journey?
My family never gave up on me. I got to see my dad get sober during my late teens, just as I was getting started. He passed away in November of this year, peacefully, and with close to 40 years sober. Both he and my mom were so supportive.
Sponsors were vitally important in my recovery. I was able to tell these men things I thought I’d take to the grave. My sober friendships made going to meetings sociable and fun. I’ve also been fortunate enough to sponsor a handful of guys and be useful to them. Most have disappeared, died, or just couldn’t get sober, and showed me how rare long-term sobriety is.
What have you accomplished in sobriety that wouldn’t have been possible before, and how do you feel about your life today?
The list is long. I traveled the world solo in my mid-30s for close to 6 months, hitting English-speaking AA meetings abroad. Expats acted as personal tour guides, so I never felt lonely.
I’ve had multiple career paths, all of which I got to experience success in. Lived in different cities, adopted a dog, and finally, met the love of my life and married her last year. Today, I get to be my own boss while being a loving and supportive husband. None of this would have happened without getting sober.
What advice would you give someone starting this journey to recovery?
Don’t look too far into the future. Take it days, hours, minutes at a time. Listen to your intuition, drown out the addict voice, and ask for help, always. Walking this path alone is near impossible. Be kind to yourself. You most likely hurt some people, but you will right those wrongs when ready. Practicing self-love can start on Day 1.
The combination of a recovery program and therapy will help you determine why you became addicted and how to begin the healing process. A slip doesn’t need to be catastrophic. They happen. Don’t slash 3 good tires after a flat.
Life will be filled with ups and downs. Experiencing it all as your authentic self is the greatest gift there is. Cherish it.
